As it happened in a song

Brenda, I don’t know if there are people like me, but when I like a song, it will be on repeat on my play list until I find another to take it off or something else takes my attention. I can be that obsessive about some songs. I am telling you about this obsession because I recently stumbled upon a song I had forgotten about, this particular song used to be “One” of those songs I just referred to above.

The song is “Treatment by Labrinth” Here are a few lines but you can go to you tube and hear it all out:

“You had a heart but then you put a hole in mine
Listen I wanna break down
You don't understand the damage you've done now
Let me remind you that I had a heart and
You came inside
Turned the whole place upside
Now I'm out of my mind
Rocking chair, mental asylum
Everyone dressed in white
I really think I've lost it this time”.

The lyrics illustrate what I am just about to get into.  A few years ago when this song was my jam, for no apparent reason as you can judge it’s not really your go to happy song. It’s not like I was going through something that made drawn to the song, oh wait now I know. It was symbolic in a sense that it told my story even before it happened. There must be a literature term to mean this but I will get back to the English laters.

Around this time, I met a boy and things happened so fast I could barely keep track of my own mind. All I got into this boy and l was over the moon about it, damn I even envisioned us walking down the aisle. Seems funny now but yeah, It was surreal at the time.  Enter the song- you know when you are crazed about something; you want everyone around you into it. One of those evenings, I played him the song, and yeah he did listen. I recall joking about it, telling him not to ever turn me into that person in the song. Read mental case. Anhaa. It was a truth but just hidden under a joke.

He had this cute smile, a hearty laughter and a low toned voice that when he spoke I would get all warm and fuzzy inside. Some people say those things of feeling butterflies fluttering in your stomach are just fairy tales but if they are I lived one.  He wasn’t the typical hot guy every girl is falling over themselves for but there was a charm to him. If you asked me the one thing I liked about him at first, I couldn’t even put a finger to it I just knew I did like him and that was it. And he liked me too, or i thought he did.

While basking in all that, time flew by and despite his shortcomings and they were many, I was more focused on the bigger picture (the future) I envisioned for us.

There were the unreturned phone calls and messages, unfulfilled promises and missed appointments. In case you wonder, how does one ignore all that, too many red flags for one to continue moving and hanging on?

You see, he was a narcissist always turning things around to make me feel like I was the one in wrong for pointing out his mistakes. This would be followed by a kazillion sorries, it wouldn’t happen again bla  bla bla. Things would be different on wards, happy and mellow, I liked to hear that. This entire time my inner little heart of hearts was screaming out loud for me to run for the hills but I somehow muzzled it. Poor little thing. And you can guess what happened, things didn’t get better. It went down south and however much I tried to hang out to the seemingly thin rope I knew it would break any second.

 

It was like I was willing to sacrifice everything for just a moment of happiness. My life had been reduced to that. Can you imagine someone having this much power over you. I was into chains and bondages and they were digging through my skin. You know even my friends told me to leave, but when you want something to happen so badly, you will think they don’t get it. So you go back for more.

 

It’s in that period of time that I experienced emotions I didn’t even realize I was capable of. The highs were high and the lows were lowest, bottom pit lowest.

I had heard of heart breaks but I always thought it as words being used loosely but here I was. With my heart in my hands, shredded to pieces. It was painful, really painful.  The heart hurts and it’s that kind of pain that is piercing yet you can’t touch to soothe it. It’s pretty hidden.

I would wonder every so often the essence of being with someone if three quarters of the time you are unhappy. Like get the hell out of there.

 

But then I know now, that however much people tell you to leave if you as a person aren’t ready to let go, to make that personal decision to free yourself then it would never be really over. Just like the song, I needed treatment and I needed fast.

 

So I got to my intellects eventually and moved away, gave us a distance. It wasn’t the easiest thing. In a small town where you know you can easily bump into anybody anywhere it was hard. I always had this nagging feeling at the back of my head wondering what I would do or how I would react if I met him. Throw rocks at him, slap the hell out of his smug face or kill him and ensure the body is never found. Well I am only kidding about the latter but I thought about the other two.

 

This entire time I also struggled within my heart of hearts to forgive him because I knew that was the only way I would be entirely free of him. I wanted myself back but there was that obstacle that cast big doubts and poked holes into my life. I knew I wanted it to stop but I didn’t know how.

 

But it’s true, in these cases time is your friend and if you let it, it heals all the wounds, it did mine and throughout this whole experience I learnt so much.

 

To love myself plenty much so that I can see properly where iam going so that I avoid walking into walls and stumbling into pits. When you love yourself ENOUGH, you are able to discern what is and what isn’t good for you because you know better. And above all to let be and let God do his thing.  Now let me go and listen to “treatment some more”

 

                                                                             Story as told to me

This is a story a friend shared with me and she was fine with me penning it down here.